I was going to post this next week so I wouldn’t get myself into any trouble before Valentine’s day, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Between all the people gushing about their Valentime’s day plans with bae, to all the “forever alone” posts, to the copious amounts of men that will be in the dog house & all the strong independent women that plan on resurfacing from the bottom of a bottle of wine on Sunday morning: something had to be done.
“Valentime’s Day”
First thing’s first: you’re the dumbest.
Bae-Day! Bae-Day!
If you have a Valentine that you never reference on social media, & never post a mysterious picture of flowers or two hands being held… does it make a sound? And by ‘sound’ I mean: does it make the people you have in the back of your mind that you think care, jealous? Well. It might’ve before they read this, but now they think you’re as contrived as I do. Sorry for blowing your cover. Don’t worry though, I already plan on posting a picture of me holding my own well manicured hand with some brooding caption like “when a woman knows what she brings to the table, she’s not afraid to eat alone” with the location set to “with bae”…. hashtag #WomanCrushEveryday, hashtag #AndSheCooks, hashtag #ILoveMeSomeME, hashtag #BlackLove.
The C Word
How does one even begin to approach Valentine’s day with someone you’re kind of dating, but not really, but there’s potentially for it to grow, but you kinda think you might hate them? The Mr./Mrs. Right Now is the reason for a lot of heartbreak, wasted time, and unplanned children. Some think this situationship is the best of both worlds. You’ve got someone to do relationship-esque things with on your terms, but are also single and ready to mingle. This is likely the most difficult Valentine to navigate: you’re somewhere between bringing up the impending holiday because you don’t REALLY want to spend it alone, buuuuut you REALLY don’t want to have the “where is this going?” conversation. You don’t want to be the over-eager one, buuut you also don’t want to be a douche bag. You don’t want to do anything worthy of an Instagram tag to make any waves with your other situational baes, buuuut you also don’t want to look like you’re ashamed of having your Mr. or Ms. on your ar- well… Let’s not get crazy. The key to skirting this issue is to make non-romantic plans. Win-win situtation. No one ever gets mad about go-karting (and if they do, let them pout outside) AND there’s a good chance you can out-pace Cupid on the track. Added bonus is you’ll still have each other thinking neither of you are the side piece. A sentiment that really means something, without actually meaning anything at all. Much like this wildly emotionally evasive card you can top the night off with:
Forever Alone
“Be mine? But just for today, so I can tell people I had a Valentine, so people don’t think I’ll grow to be an old maid or a crazy cat lady. Yes, just tonight. Spend $200 and impress me just enough to stay in the friendzone.” Stop with the self-pity. The worst part isn’t being single on Valentine’s day anyway. The worst part is the pity that people in committed situationships try to extend to you because they THINK you feel lonely on Valentine’s day. I mean, sure it’s annoying to walk into CVS and get popped in the head by multiple heart-shaped balloons. And yes, it is impossible to buy candy that’s not in the shape of a heart, but it’s really not any more obnoxious than being solicited to buy Reese’s Cups in the shape of Christmas Trees before Halloween hits. But alas, I know, it’s the time of year where everyone seems to have someone but you. Or even worse, maybe you’re with someone you makes you wish you WERE alone.
Either way, just know you’re not alone. I’ve fallen so far off my game I couldn’t even get Frank Underwood to be my Valentine two years in a row. He tried to spin me some vague story about how he was out of town for work until the 27th, but he promised me that night he’s all mine… like I don’t know that the side-chicks get taken out on the make-up Valentine’s Dates. It’s cool though, I just play my role and make sure to never put him in any compromising situations… or meet him around any form of a subway or metro.
…not the kind of Valentine I need in my life.
(If you don’t watch House of Cards, get hip.)
The Doghouse
Oh. And one last thing fellas, the doghouse & how to get in it:
I mean, it’s really not difficult. Girls just want to know you put some thought into Valentine’s Day. Make reservations somewhere and send flowers to her job. You don’t need to cure cancer or take down ISIS by yourself. Just do more than ordering in pizza and unwrapping your package on her behalf. #SeeWhatIDidThere? & lucky for you, you’ve still got 2 days to ascend to mediocrity.
(Disclaimer: I would probably die laughing and flying hug you if I received this instead of a mushy sentimental card that made me break out in hives and not know what to do with my suddenly sweaty hands… but, then again, I’m not your typical female.)
*Me looking in the mirror after my Valentine reads this rant*
Hopefully, even you non-Millennials and non-commitment-phobes could relate to this rant either through personal previous experiences (I won’t tell if you don’t) or at least by way of your 48-year-old cousin still living the life of a bachelor. If you came across this post looking for a confidence boost or a myriad of love sonnets… you came to the wrong place. But if you didn’t find yourself smirking at your screen because this hit to close to home it’s not to late to heavily hint at that diamond ring you’ve had your eye on ladies, or to buy that last minute box of chocolate fellas. But in the spirit of love I do sincerely hope your Valentine’s Day will be riddled with arrows shot by Cupid… or at least free shots from a bartender.
Rant on!
Rantires: Satirical Rants 