Situationships: The Valentine Special

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I was going to post this next week so I wouldn’t get myself into any trouble before Valentine’s day, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Between all the people gushing about their Valentime’s day plans with bae, to all the “forever alone” posts, to the copious amounts of men that will be in the dog house & all the strong independent women that plan on resurfacing from the bottom of a bottle of wine on Sunday morning: something had to be done.

“Valentime’s Day”

First thing’s first: you’re the dumbest.

Bae-Day! Bae-Day!

It's Not What You Do For Valentine's Day

If you have a Valentine that you never reference on social media, & never post  a mysterious picture of flowers or two hands being held… does it make a sound? And by ‘sound’ I mean: does it make the people you have in the back of your mind that you think care, jealous? Well. It might’ve before they read this, but now they think you’re as contrived as I do. Sorry for blowing your cover. Don’t worry though, I already plan on posting a picture of me holding my own well manicured hand with some brooding caption like “when a woman knows what she brings to the table, she’s not afraid to eat alone” with the location set to “with bae”…. hashtag #WomanCrushEveryday, hashtag #AndSheCooks, hashtag #ILoveMeSomeME, hashtag #BlackLove.

The C Word

Commit

How does one even begin to approach Valentine’s day with someone you’re kind of dating, but not really, but there’s potentially for it to grow, but you kinda think you might hate them? The Mr./Mrs. Right Now is the reason for a lot of heartbreak, wasted time, and unplanned children. Some think this situationship is the best of both worlds. You’ve got someone to do relationship-esque things with on your terms, but are also single and ready to mingle. This  is likely the most difficult Valentine to navigate: you’re somewhere between bringing up the impending holiday because you don’t REALLY want to spend it alone, buuuuut you REALLY don’t want to have the “where is this going?” conversation. You don’t want to be the over-eager one, buuut you also don’t want to be a douche bag. You don’t want to do anything worthy of an Instagram tag to make any waves with your other situational baes, buuuut you also don’t want to look like you’re ashamed of having your Mr. or Ms. on your ar- well… Let’s not get crazy. The key to skirting this issue is to make non-romantic plans. Win-win situtation. No one ever gets mad about go-karting (and if they do, let them pout outside) AND there’s a good chance you can out-pace Cupid on the track. Added bonus is you’ll still have each other thinking neither of you are the side piece. A sentiment that really means something, without actually meaning anything at all. Much like this wildly emotionally evasive card you can top the night off with:

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Forever Alone

Forever Alone

“Be mine? But just for today, so I can tell people I had a Valentine, so people don’t think I’ll grow to be an old maid or a crazy cat lady. Yes, just tonight. Spend $200 and impress me just enough to stay in the friendzone.” Stop with the self-pity. The worst part isn’t being single on Valentine’s day anyway. The worst part is the pity that people in committed situationships try to extend to you because they THINK you feel lonely on Valentine’s day. I mean, sure it’s annoying to walk into CVS and get popped in the head by multiple heart-shaped balloons. And yes, it is impossible to buy candy that’s not in the shape of a heart, but it’s really not any more obnoxious than being solicited to buy Reese’s Cups in the shape of Christmas Trees before Halloween hits. But alas, I know, it’s the time of year where everyone seems to have someone but you. Or even worse, maybe you’re with someone you makes you wish you WERE alone.

Either way, just know you’re not alone. I’ve fallen so far off my game I couldn’t even get Frank Underwood to be my Valentine two years in a row. He tried to spin me some vague story about how he was out of town for work until the 27th, but he promised me that night he’s all mine… like I don’t know that the side-chicks get taken out on the make-up Valentine’s Dates. It’s cool though, I just play my role and make sure to never put him in any compromising situations… or meet him around any form of a subway or metro.

Frank

…not the kind of Valentine I need in my life.

(If you don’t watch House of Cards, get hip.)

The Doghouse

Oh. And one last thing fellas, the doghouse & how to get in it:

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I mean, it’s really not difficult. Girls just want to know you put some thought into Valentine’s Day. Make reservations somewhere and send flowers to her job. You don’t need to cure cancer or take down ISIS by yourself. Just do more than ordering in pizza and unwrapping your package on her behalf. #SeeWhatIDidThere? & lucky for you, you’ve still got 2 days to ascend to mediocrity.

(Disclaimer: I would probably die laughing and flying hug you if I received this instead of a mushy sentimental card that made me break out in hives and not know what to do with my suddenly sweaty hands… but, then again, I’m not your typical female.)

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*Me looking in the mirror after my Valentine reads this rant*

Hopefully, even you non-Millennials and non-commitment-phobes could relate to this rant either through personal previous experiences (I won’t tell if you don’t) or at least by way of your 48-year-old cousin still living the life of a bachelor. If you came across this post looking for a confidence boost or a myriad of love sonnets… you came to the wrong place. But if you didn’t find yourself smirking at your screen because this hit to close to home it’s not to late to heavily hint at that diamond ring you’ve had your eye on ladies, or to buy that last minute box of chocolate fellas. But in the spirit of love I do sincerely hope your Valentine’s Day will be riddled with arrows shot by Cupid… or at least free shots from a bartender.

Rant on!

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Don’t Be THOT Girl

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If you’d like to make a donation to the Penny For Your THOTs Foundation I assure you 100% of your contribution will go toward educating, clothing, and/or transforming a THOT in need. My goal is to touch each and every young THOT, Side-Chick, Petty LaBelle, and Sophista-Rachèt by letting them know there is another way of life.

(Note: This is not an exhaustive list. There are not enough seconds in a lifetime to explain the madness that is the XX chromosome.)

The Crazy Bish

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Word is that crazy girls are to men, what bad boys are to women. In that regard, I get it. It’s exciting, its passionate, and as you can see… fiery. There will always be a story to tell, and there will always be someone dying to hear it. Now, what’s not so cool is when that fiery passion extends to family outings, the office Christmas party, and any other time you spend more than 20 minutes together. I’m not entirely sure what it is that makes women this way, so I don’t have a remedy. The child in me wants to tell them “take a chill pill”, which as an adult I understand really just means Xanax, and may not be a bad way to go. But, it can’t be all bad. I’m sure guys think, and undoubtedly hope, that the fiery passion also extends to the bedroom. & I bet crazy females will also go crazy FOR their man should anyone step out of line. So if you possess the skills to harness their powers for good please write a book so we all can learn the ways of this terrifying creature… maybe they’re just misunderstood. Like sharks. That being said, if you make the attempt and crash and burn (no pun intended) you can likely say goodbye to your tires, your car, your clothes, basically any and everything you left at her place… and if ya’ll live together (maked that lived together) you probably don’t have a home anymore… you should probably also call and check on your mom. Just to be safe.

Disclaimer: Don’t ever tell a crazy girl to “chill” or “relax”. They will cut you. Furthermore if you ever call her crazy to her face you better have on track shoes and be out of arms reach.

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Stage 12 Clinger

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Twatching (Twitter stalking). Facebook stalking. Creeping. Lurking. All ways of saying the same thing: you’re too attached. Think of it like this: social media stalking, obtaining answers for all those creepily invasive questions, finding out someone’s every move – that’s a part-time job. I mean literally, people get paid to do that. They’re called Private Investigators. If you have enough time on your hands to take on an unpaid side-hustle you should probably do some re-prioritizing in your life… the first of which should be obtaining a healthy relationship. But maybe I’m asking for too much. Then again, you know what they say, if you’re good at something, you might as well get paid to do it. So maybe you really just stumbled on your natural calling and new career path.

Also, if you’re Bae Watching someone who is unaware that they are in a relationship with you, you should probably just commit yourself to an institution now and save your friends and family the trouble. Unless of course bae is famous, but if it’s Idris just know… I’m wifey.

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The Drama Queen

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Ever heard of the boy that cried wolf? His story ends much like the ‘girl that cried frequently and dramatically in public so often that nobody had anymore fxcks to give her’. I know sometimes it feels like the entire world stops revolving when your passive-aggressive text messages are read, but go unanswered. Or when someone can update their Facebook status, but can’t seem to find the time to hit you up. But I assure you, it didn’t and the more you act as though the world is coming to an end, the less patience anyone will have for you.

You probably should just audition for the new opening on As the World Turns. There you can die and come back to life 3 different times and still be taken seriously the fourth. There they’ll also probably care about your feelings. You’ll be living in a blissfully dramatic dream world for the majority of your day then, and maybe only then, will you be able to come back to reality and operate like a normal human being and stop annoying the rest of us.

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Petty LaBelle

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Ah, the post break-up conundrum. Do you delete your ex from any and every social media connection known to mankind? Or do you post the inevitable surge of painstaking happiness over your new found freedom? Better question, if your new found happiness coincides with a new found relationship do you over-saturate everyone’s timelines with the new ‘love of your life’? If you’re Petty LaBelle, Petty Mayonnaise, or enjoy petty butter and jelly sandwiches, you do. I get that you’re on your “I’m better off without you” or your “never know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone” tip, but please remember that in a month when the new boo calls it off, no one will be surprised but you. My advice: that elevated piece of highway off in the distance? That’s the high road. I suggest you get on it.

The Gold Digger

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I could honestly just fill this section with Kanye quotes. Which is ironic considering he married the Queen of Thotdom herself, but I digress…

*Rapped to Kanye’s Gold-Digger (3rd Verse)*

Now, I am saying you’re a gold-digger, yes indeed. You don’t wanna go to work, but you still need weave. Anything you want, he can’t pay? You up and leave. He really thinks you love him, yea, he actually believes. But. While you lyin’, watch him. He gon’ make anotha side-chick his option. He got 6-figures baby, look at his bank roll. This week its your bills, next week its the next heauxs. So, show your worth. Before he takes back that ring and that purse. Then you gon’ keep calling and trying, but you’ll be alone girl. And then the bank will put your house into foreclosure.

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*HOLLA WE WANT PRE-NUP!!*

The Side-Chick

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If you think you might be the side-chick ask yourself these questions: when’s the last time you and “your man” celebrated a holiday on the DAY OF the holiday? And no, a Black Friday shopping spree over a turkey cranberry sandwich doesn’t count. Do you even remember what he looks like in the light of day? When’s the last time he called you outside of a 11PM – 4 AM time frame? Why do you think ya’ll have been “together” for 2 years and you haven’t met ANY his family? Oh. Ya’ll “just aren’t there yet”? What do you think he’s waiting for? The rapture?

If you can’t answer 2 or more of these questions – you, my friend, are the side-chick. I know. You’re not really surprised, and yet you’re already forming the counter-argument in your brain to readily explain all the ways you know you’re significant in his life. Save your breath. The Tic-Tac you need is more significant than any point you’re about to make.

The Homewrecker

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These are the side-chicks that know they’re the side-chicks. For those of you looking aghast, staring at the screen with a furrowed brow and mouth agape – yes. They exist. I really think Nathaniel Hawthorne was on to something, lets bring the “A” stitching back, that way at least we know what we’re dealing with from the jump. Speaking of which, one morning I was walking down the street and actually heard some woman say (note that this was after a summation of lewd acts that should never involve a married man given her ring-less hand): “I never call him while he’s at home with his wife. I respect their relationship.” I could think of a slew of verbs that would work in place of “respect” here, such as: disregard, or ruined, or completely shat on. Yes, any of those makes much more sense.

But as a side piece, what’s the end game here?? They never leave their wives, and even if they did- are you really pining after the adulterer? Let me put it in real perspective – you really think that THE ONE… the man the man of your dreams is the guy that’s cheating on his spouse and making a mockery of the institution you’ve placed on a pedestal as the only means of validating you as a woman? … do I need to expound on all the reasons that that’s ludicrous? Odds are the man of your dreams is trapped somewhere in the depths of the friend zone gasping for air.

The Settler

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I don’t understand settlers. There are women out there that are so scared of ending up alone that they’d rather spend the rest of their life with someone who already annoys them to death? And this, ladies, is where we get our reputation for being illogical. I like myself a lot more than I like proooobably 95% of the population, which sounds pretentious and harsh until you realize that there are billions of people in the world – about 90% of them you’ll never know, 1% are gross, 1% are mean, and 3% are just plain dull. I know it seems impossible and simultaneously insane to hold out for that person that makes your heart skip a beat and can drive you up a wall, that makes you believe in fairytales and makes you consider attempting murder, that tugs on your heart strings and also happily strums on your last nerve. But that person is out there… and if they’re not it’s likely that there are at least 3-7 cats somewhere waiting to fill that void.

Note: I’ve been told it’s a different game out there once you’re in your forties. The height and bearded requirements allegedly give way to minimal baggage and good health insurance. Some people call that maturity or something, but it sounds too quaint to be true.

The Sophista-Ratchèt

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On the surface, this woman appears to have it going on. She has a job, a car, she’s living on her own. But underneath it all – her ratchet alter-ego is just itching to twerk free. She leaves the club in the wee hours of a Friday morning and still strolls into work on time 4 hours later. She can sit in a board meeting and impress the boss then swiftly change gears and tell someone when, how, and where they can get a beat down if they don’t step off. She gets paid and spends all her money on clothes, shoes, and the occasional bill; and always takes the time to bob her head to Ne-Yo’s “She Got Her Own”. She (not so) secretly loves hood trap music and has most recently been telling various bishes that it’s nothing to cut them off. This is likely just the phase of life between college and true adulthood. And though the alter-ego may never fully disappear, Sophista-ratchèt will some day realize she needs to have stories she can actually share with her children while maintaining some level of decorum. If you’ve got any better and more proactive advice please feel free to comment below; this depiction was way too close to my own antics for my liking. 

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Yes. I know.

The T.H.O.T. (That Hoe Over There)

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If you’re not her, you know her. You’ve probably hated on her, talked about her, prayed for her, and maybe even envied her. The THOT. The Thotpocket. The Globethotter. Miss-Thots-Alot. Doesn’t matter what you call her, she doesn’t have time for the haters. Her schedule is packed with bootleg photoshoots to make her Instagram famous, filing for back child support payments to make her hood rich, and studio time with Stevie J to jump start her career. She loves the spotlight so much she didn’t take the time to realize it was a flashlight. But, you can’t tell her anything because she KNOWS her worth. She doesn’t however, have the capacity to spell fornication, let alone define it or acknowledge that she’s doing it.

I tried to keep this as tastefully vague as possible; but for those of you that are lost: you know that saying that goes: “in a closet of full of clothes you say you have nothing to wear, be that selective in a room full of men”? THOTs aren’t that selective.

And if by this point you still haven’t found a THOT that embodies you or any woman you know, I’ve got you covered:

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Rant on!

Dating Series Part 2: The First Date

The Lead-In.

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This is make-or-break. Not even being hot can save you here. If after our fortuitous meeting I find you don’t know how to spell ‘book’ let alone read one, are completely self-absorbed, and your only real concern in this world is who was wrong last night in Love and Hip-Hop: there will be no dating to speak of. You have to be at least mildly engaging or intelligent to prevent a chilly fear from coursing within me at the notion of sitting across a table from you for an hour or more.

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Also, being that the only things you know about your Person of Interest (POI) at this point are where they frequent; their general level of attractiveness; and that they know English, it’s safe to ask a few questions to get to know each other and see if a date is even something you’d be interested in doing. It’s even safe to be mildly complimentary. However, do not pour it on so much as to appear sleazy and you most definitely should not be making any remotely sexual references at all. In any way, shape, or form. Because this will be the inevitable outcome:

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Followed by going radio dark.

If you don’t make it out of the first week of texting successfully there is still hope for you. If you train really hard during cuffing season and come out of the winter with a great jump-shot and solid stats off the boards there is a chance you still may get drafted before the All-Star break. If not, just chalk it up to the game and take this approach:

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“Add Me on Facebook!” – I know this is tempting… I know you’ve got the itch to find out whether it was bad lighting or if you really did book Halle Berry’s twin, but wait at least until after the first date to decide whether or not you should waste copious time and an embarrassing amount of cookies memory before stalking your newfound interest. There are a variety of reasons for this:

Preconceived notions – Once you’ve taken the bird’s eye view on someone’s life you can’t take it back. After looking at a mere 5 photos, 8 status updates, and the places they check into you’re probably comfortably residing somewhere in the spectrum of knowing a few of that person’s tendencies and believing you know all of what that person’s about. And all that before you’ve actually clicked the “send a friend request” button. The reality is you’ve only found out the things that this person decided to let the whole world know. And yet you somehow believe you know all of that person’s hang-ups or, inversely, what they’ll be like when they meet your mom… back away from your computer.

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Paranoia – Finally there are always those that will see the other people involved in their POI’s life (…those people being the ones they actually know and didn’t meet on a fleeting run-in at a bar) and will inevitably start trying to make connections about the parameters of their relationships. They are wrong 95% of the time, but it’s too late, and even though you’ve only known this POI for 96 hours you find yourself feeling oddly jealous over the fact that someone they dined with 48 hours ago is sitting so close to them. Just shut off your device, go for a long walk, and revaluate where you are in life.

The “Oops” – After snooping and seeing the types of things and activities your POI is involved in it is also likely you will reference one of them in casual conversation on your first date. You’ll probably be talking about places you want to travel and then will say, “I’ve always wanted to go to Iceland. Was it amazing when you went?” And there will be an awkward pause while they try to figure out how on Earth you knew they’d been, while you simultaneously try to work up a quick lie about how you they had. Just throw your router into the street while you still have time.

 The Set-Up.

After quasi-constant communication for a week or so do not ask your POI if they ‘want to meet up’ on Friday night with you and all of drunkard friends. No, not as the first rendezvous (although, this is on the assumption that you’re conversing with a relatively respectable subject.) Either rent a backbone at a hospital near you and ask your POI on an real date or revert back to your usual suspects of interest that know their roles and play them well (aka booty calls).

DMs – No. Don’t be this guy. If you DM someone asking them out you already reduced yourself as “that guy.” What guy? The Catfish guy, the loser guy, the no sense-having guy. In this regard attractiveness doesn’t even come into play, because if you ARE really attractive you’ve asked someone out via Direct Message either you’re a catfish or you have no level of self-respect or game. If you’re not deemed attractive, you’ve automatically been deemed a CREEP with no level of self-respect or game. Lose-lose.

There is indeed a low-pressure and easy way to incur a date. It’s called asking. It goes like this: We converse. We find we have mutual interests. Someone asks the other if they’d wish to partake in a mutual interest together. Not complicated, it’s simple. People get put off by the notion of failing or getting curved all too often. Think about it like this: if you do want to go on a date with your POI -> if you don’t ask, you have 0% chance of making that a reality. If you do ask, that chance is automatically raised to 50%. Even better, my friend has this saying, “if you get told no, then you didn’t ask it right.” And there is TRUTH in that. It’s pretty hard to say “never” to the guy that asks “when am I going get a chance to take such a stunning woman out to dinner?” or to the person that tells you they got 2 day passes to the ropes course you’ve been dying to go to for a year. Play your cards right people.

Meeting Up.

It’s hard out there for (pimps and) people to draw the line between being chivalrous and being a creep. Gone are the days where you can pick me up at my house because there is no way in the world I can allow you to know my place of residence until I’ve deduced that you’re not insane and have at least met a some of “your people” that can confirm that this conclusion is correct. And yes gentlemen, women are still in fact on their “we don’t need men, we can be bad all by ourselves” tip, but we still expect you to open our doors and pull out our chairs. I don’t want to hear any more about it being a double standard unless you can tell me your body count and the last time you referred to as anything more demeaning that “The Man”. That being said, be the southern gentleman prototype. We eat it up. Open doors, pull out our chairs, heck, if you get to that point: pump our gas. Anything you can do that shows good home training and humility are big bonuses in your favor.

Oh yea, and for those of you that don’t know simple things: don’t be late, don’t be rude, make sure you’re appropriately dressed for the location of the date, don’t be on your phone the whole time, and don’t say the L-word. Things I shouldn’t have to say and yet…

Conversation.

If you’re drilling someone with questions you’ve previously thought up, you’re either not really engaging or don’t know how to carry on normal conversation. Generally, a conversation goes like this: question, answer, response and/or additive and or tangent and/or story. Any of those “and/or” options is better than merely being met by another readily prepared question. A first date should not resemble an interview of any kind. The last thing anyone wants to do is go to something they intended on enjoying and, instead, be met with calculated questions and wondering if they’re answering them in a fashion in which they will be granted the position. YOUR POI IS NOT APPLYING TO BE YOUR S/O (Significant Other) ON THE FIRST DATE, in fact, they’re vetting you and you’re failing miserably. Take this approach and you will fail your dating class and will subsequently either have to repeat the course or take supplemental friendzone classes during cuffing season.

The Braggart – Don’t brag about yourself or tell your POI exactly what it is about you that they should be impressed by. I know you’re itching to inform them of the plethora of reasons they should fall madly in love with you, but trying to do that will ensure your plan’s demise. Making blanketed assertions about your character is generally doomed from the beginning. To list humility as one of your redeeming quality traits and then give your POI a detailed description of your house, salary, and car, not only makes you pompous, but now you’re also a liar. When in turn, if you drop some of those accomplishments nonchalantly in the course of conversation (instead of by way of bloviating), your POI gets to come to the conclusion that you’re impressive AND humble on their own, and now, also gets to compliment you on it. Magic.

Google – 

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Don’t tell your POI you’ve googled them until you’ve received verbal affirmation that they’ve deduced that you’re not a weirdo, or as seen above, never. I understand googling is almost a necessary evil at this point. But don’t use that information as a way to strike up a conversation with someone on your first date. Why? Your POI likely already knows what’s there. I feel as though it’s common practice that you look yourself up as soon as you find out your google-able to ensure there’s nothing slanderous there. (And of course to feed your vanity) Also, what do you really expect your POI to say? You didn’t find anything about them they don’t already know. And the idea of a date is that you’re there to learn more about them, not confirm the 9 articles you read. And you know what you just told your POI by mentioning those articles? That you’re a creep with no good sense or social awareness, and they didn’t need google to help them with that.

The Bill.

The Basics –the guy, pays for the first date. This is not optional. If you do not, you have just bought yourself a one-way ticket into the friendzone via the express lane. Now, it gets a little tricky when certain women, as I often do, offer to pay half of the bill. Do not take girls up on the offer. We’re just trying not to look like gold-digging ice queens, but we still expect you to decline and handle your business. (*Disclaimer* this is merely my sentiment regarding the first date. I will get to other dates in other posts.) While I’m on that rift – dating doesn’t have to be expensive. The standard ‘dinner and a movie’ is as expensive as it is lame. If that’s your first date of choice not only did you drop over $100, but you likely bored me to tears and worse than friend-zoning yourself have slid to the “DNR” (Do Not Respond) list. Also, the objective of the first date is to get to know one another in dinner and a movie dates you shift from, not being allowed to talk without getting the scathing “shhhh” hiss from other viewers, to, having your sole and undivided attention on your POI while simultaneously trying to slop food into your mouth in a (hopefully) mildly attractive manner while trying to answer and/or ask an array of questions.

You will get insane kudos points for coming up with something original, which is also often cheap. I.e. picnic near the river, hiking, traipsing around museums, free outdoor concerts the list goes on. Know what else dates like that are, BESIDES free?? Memorable. If I leave a date and the most memorable thing was that there weren’t enough scenes of Tom Hardy without a shirt on, you did something terribly wrong. Well, you likely did A LOT of things terribly wrong, but you get my point.

He tried it

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Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the guy where your POI has to say anything along the lines of “No, you cannot come up” “I don’t do that on the first date” or “I barely even know you” at the end of the date Haven’t you guys learned by now that those females aren’t the ones you have to wine and/or dine to get the invite for breakfast tomorrow? (See what I did there?)

The Goodnight Kiss – Just watch Hitch if you struggle with this. Lol the reason for the lingering goodnight farewell is real. As is the “you come 90 – I come 10”. #SageAdvice

The Three Day Rule – The rule isn’t real folks. I know. You think I’m setting you up for failure, but I’m serious. I don’t know who came up with the ‘3 Day’ rule, but if we go on a date and you don’t hear from me for 3 days something during the date went terribly wrong and you likely won’t hear from me by day 46 either. The Text Me #SoIKnowItsReal (aka so I know you made it home safely) routine is always a good way to go. You get your closure, and will likely be given an array of positive affirmations, complete with smiley emojis and some vague insinuation of a second date, if you nailed it.

*Disclaimer* Send a heart for eyes emoji after the first date at your own risk.

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Upon having the idea for this series I became convinced that the real reason I’m devoid of all emotion and have remained single is so I would have material for these posts. And yes, this self-soothing lie is in fact how I get to sleep at night. I know the saying goes, “you don’t take marriage advice from someone who’s single,” but as I am practiced in the ominous dating realm, please, take at least some of my advice and save yourself some time. However, I will leave the “How to Make Your Marriage Last” series for Mrs. Hillary Rodham or Jada Pinkett because they must have the sauce.

My next post (note that I didn’t say next week’s post, I’ve gotta stop promising ya’ll deadlines, this summer’s been too hectic!) will be “Don’t Be That Girl”. I was going to make it “Don’t be THOT Girl,” but the reference would be over anyone’s head who doesn’t deem Two Chainz as an integral part of their day, and it will encompass many more types than THOTs… like how not to be a stage 12 clinger and how not to be deemed a crazy bish. Applicable lessons for all of us enduring the phases of the moon ( i.e. women, for those of you that missed that.) Men, you can tune in too. In this post I will take a small break from giving you a hard time. Furthermore, I recommend highlighting the applicable portions, having your boy on call as an alibi, and anonymously slipping the upcoming post under the door of some crazy bish near you.

Rant on!

Dating – Part 1: The Watering Hole

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In my experience in the dating pool it has been made very apparent to me that implicit and seemingly obvious “dos and don’ts” are apparently not very implicit or obvious. Thus, I have taken it upon myself to assist my dating brethren in ways to improve upon your dating techniques. “But everybody’s different, Tiffany.” Yes, fool. I know, but these tips are pretty commonplace. Commonplace meaning I shouldn’t have to devote a series of blog posts divulging the details to you because they should be widely understood and abided by, but alas, here I am. This post is “Part 1: The Watering Hole” because it is explicitly geared towards meeting new people: what you SHOULD NOT do when approaching someone you deem to be attractive. I could go into all the things you could and should do, but ain’t nobody got time for that.

The Approach.

This is the initial phase of meeting someone new at your choice watering hole: natural selection. Choose carefully. The baddest girl in the bar at the beginning of the night may not look so attractive if she’s too drunk to stand at 3 AM. There were warning signs for that, you chose to overlook them. Anyways, in this phase there are three main things you need to know.

1. The very delicate line between you being “a creep” and you being “charming” is directly related to your perceived level of attractiveness. There. The truth is out. If you are deemed to be attractive by the interested party all of the following rules basically go out the window and move into the realm of “well…. maybe he’s just ____*fill in this blank with any various form of obsolete rationalization*.” For example, if Joe Schmo with various missing teeth and a unibrow were to grab my hand in a crowded place, pull me close to him, and whisper his name in my ear I’d likely threaten to call the police after breaking his nose. But if David Beckham were to try that the next 4 sentences out of my mouth would be my name, number, address, and social security number.

2. You don’t know me, therefore don’t touch me. Remember in middle school when everyone was socially awkward and we didn’t know what to do with our hands when we were in public, so we’d just start dancing with someone we liked when the song changed because it was easier than trying to have a real conversation? You should’ve evolved past this stage. It’s no longer acceptable after age 17. Even if you don’t ask my name at first “Would you like to dance?” is all of 5 words. You can manage. Even if you get curved, that polite “no” will be far less embarrassing for you than the step-off-glare-of-death-completed-with-the-“don’t-effing-touch-me” you’ll receive should you decide to just ‘go for it’. In that same vein, don’t grab my hand, slap my ass, or play with my hair as though you know me. You won’t be the first person I’ve publicly embarrassed for being too brazen.

3. Lastly, …Don’t ever have your friend approach someone on your behalf. This shouldn’t need to be expounded on at all, so I’m not going to delve too deeply, but just know this: when you let your friend make your introduction to someone for you while you stare wistfully from across the room, the first impression you made is that you are a frightful coward without an ounce of confidence to speak of. Not the character traits of anyone’s dreams. Man up. Even if you get turned down, the person that tries on their own at least gains some respect.

The Pick-Up Line.
“Have we met before?” Nope. Sure haven’t, but you know that, just like I know that. And even if I’m wrong, do you really want to spend time attempting to convince me that you were completely and utterly forgettable the first time around? You struck up all that courage to set yourself up for failure. Do better.

“Did it hurt… When you fell from heaven?” No. And this line never made sense to me. Let me get this right: I fell from heaven. If I fell from heaven I must be a terrible angel since I can’t fly. Also, if I fell from heaven and couldn’t fly it seems to me that I got kicked out and, am therefore, likely not so angelic.

“Why/How are you still single?” Not a compliment. Also, very difficult to answer. And is my deplorable dating history really an initial conversation you want to have with me?

“Come here often?” This may give you a fighting chance. Can go either way. If the answer is a flat no the conversation is over. If the questionee inquires in response there’s at least a mild amount of interest. Take your chance, don’t mess it up.

“I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” When they reply ‘no’ it’s an easy segue into ‘oh, well now you are. I’m *state name here*’ without being a sleaze or a creep. Who knows, you may even get a smile out of the deal. Plus, they’ll never really know if it was intentional or if you’re actually just that quick on your feet… unless they’re reading this.

For the shy types here’s a few cues to help you prosper:
“Hi.” No, I’m not kidding.
Pretend to “bump into” him/her, apologizing profusely, and subsequently introducing yourself. Again, not kidding.
And for the ‘one’ across the room: eye contact -> coy smile -> look away (like you “accidentally” got caught staring) -> & then make eye contact again. It’s safe because no one else is aware that any of that just happened, it involves no real work on your part, and it provides a window of opportunity. Though one of you still has to make the first move.

Seduction.

Well most nerve-wracking part is over. You are now actually conversing. This is where you can really excel. Be charming and witty. Don’t be aggressive. Don’t be egregious. Don’t be classless. I know. It seems obvious, but if that were the case I wouldn’t be writing this and you likely wouldn’t be reading it. Furthermore, know when it’s happening and when it’s not. If I’m unapologetically debasing you, I’m not trying to be coy. I actually just don’t like you. I’m also likely not being sarcastic, I’m merely letting you know my brazen distaste for you and you somehow think it’s cute. If you were cute I probably wouldn’t have a brazen distaste for you. Meaning, it would at least be subtle.
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Now, on the other hand if I give you a hard time and challenge you then caveat with genuine smiles, “I’m kidding” disclaimers, complete with incidental physical contact: I’m flirting. I am trying to be coy with you. And I at the very least think you’re attractive. Let’s review:

Dis-interested                                                 Interested
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The main clue is: BODY LANGUAGE.
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If we look like we’re trying to get away from you, we are. If we look like we’re trying to get you away from us, we are.

Getting Curved.

Know When To Quit. Here’s what it sounds like: “Sorry, I don’t give my number out.” “No, thank you. I’m just here with my girls tonight.” “I’m seeing someone.” & my personal favorite, “No.” Again, this is a prime opportunity to be gracious and still maintain respect. Don’t turn into the salty person that suddenly decides the curve-er is ugly and you didn’t want their number anyway. Keep it moving. There are plenty of fish out there.

Also, there’s persistence and then there’s stalking. One is admirable, the other is illegal. If a someone gives you “their” number, and you find out it’s a fake do not re-approach and try to get your pride back by way of obtaining someone’s number who didn’t want you to have it and will never return your phone calls. Just take the L and be thankful you can still brag to your friends who all think you booked. But if it does happen, pray the person on the other end is as supportive as this guy:

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The Exchange.

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Don’t be that guy. If all you know is my name, don’t ask me for my number. There is a protocol to follow, and if you don’t, it is likely you will be offered a glass of water with which you can quench your thirst. Now, after some conversation and hopefully finding the attraction is mutual, there are a couple of approaches you can take: asking for their number and pray it’s not fake, suggesting they take down your number and text you whilst still in your presence, and giving them your number and pray to hear from them.

There are various ways you can do this, but if you’re going to try to be charming at least be funny and/or original. The most recent “can I have you number?” line I experienced was “tell me something interesting.” Which, after doing so, was followed by “I’d love to hear more about that later”… to which I replied (with a blank stare) “is this the part where you ask me for my number?”

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^ the look on his face. Just come out with it guys, it’s only cute when girls are coy.

That’s it for the Part 1. I hope you learned something and use these tools to your devices. If you’re successful in your endeavors Part 2: First Dates, coming out next week, will continue to help you prosper on your journey so stay tuned! Let me know what tips I missed and what rings true for you! Rant on!!